Elias och jag visar framfötterna.

Mums!

Ida beställde först till henne och Elias.

Jag fick brått att bestämma mig snabbt då Ida är snabbare än mig.

Dessutom var det bara en kvart kvar till stängning.

Mindre betänketid.

Det fick bli Pistage och Jordnötter.

Innan jag åkte till Ida och Elias värmde jag upp med en Nogger tillsammans med Jeanette.

Efter Glassbaren gick vi till Lidan och kollade vattnet. Mest för Elias skull då han tycker det är kul. På tillbaka vägen gick vi under bron och förbi Terasskafeét och sedan genom Stadtsparken.

Nu blir det lediga dagar igen.

Skönt.

And, as you can see, Randy's still at it! Here's to childhood dreams, breaking through brick walls (cancer being one of the biggest!) & life lived well along the way!

Wee pulled down his cap and adjusting his sweatshirt. he walked slowly as he pulled out his phone which took over his attention.

for either it wasn't an attempt to hide from the sun or the rest of the crowd, but rather an attempt to hide from each other. as their paths crossed Rin sharply turned to join the crowd waiting for a bus, Wee walked off towards a magazine stand still emersed in his phone. both dying of curiosity but also not daring enough to turn and look.

could it be? after 10 years that their paths would cross in such a way?...

"don't do it! don't come over! i'll get you if you do!" yelled Rin as she watched Wee climb over the wall that separated their homes. both were only childs, both only had each other to play with. Wee was the only one Rin dared to try and get the best of, while Rin was the only one Wee was willing to protect.

"you can't do anything to me! im older than you, im bigger than you" Wee replied as he continued to find his way over the wall.

"just you wait" and with that Rin disappeared around the side of the house. "where are you going?" Wee asked getting no reply.

He made it over the wall, satisfied with his accomplishment he brushed the dirt off his hands. but as he did that he felt the splash of cold water on his back and the sound of laughter. he turned around to see 6 year old Rin laughing with all her heart holding a bucket dripping with water. between the laugher Rin managed to say "i said i would get you!!"

Wee looked at her and Rin stopped laughing she could tell the 7 year old wasn't amused. after a moment he started to go after her. Rin let out a small scream and began to run. the two chased each other throughout the yard and around the house. Rin turned around and laughed everytime she saw Wee falling behind not knowing that he would slow down whenever he came close. they ended up falling down to the grass with their face to the sun laughing the day away...

Rin lowered her sunglasses, she pushed back her hair and held it back with one hand. she turned around as if she was looking around aimlessly, but then she saw what she had been looking for. Wee quickly pulled his hood over his head and turned his back to her. he put back the magazine he had been holding to hide the fact that he had been watching her. she stood there waiting for him to turn around, he stood with his back to her not wanting to turn around to find her gone.

their childhood flashed before them as the rest of world seem to speed past them. time stood still for them and for them alone. but then in the same instance they remembered, they remembered why they went their separate ways never to see each other again until this very moment. and in that instance they parted ways once again, Rin continued her walk staring into the setting sun as Wee walked into the darkness with his head lowered to the ground.

"When I grow up, I'd like to be

A brave strong rubber out on the sea

I'll sail on the ocean wide

To see the big world far and wide

But then I also wish to fly

A whizzing jet plane in the sky

I'll make a loop and zoom and dash

And come to land without a crash...

(there are some parts here that I had forgotten. But the thought of making loops and zooming in the big blue yonder never left. )

I arrived in Dumaguete and a good friend of mine is running an Aviation Flight School there. I stayed there in the office for several hours surrounded by small and lightweight planes parked outside. Well, the president was also in the city so there were some military planes and helicopters parked as well. I was like a little boy again... reminiscing the poem "but then I also wish to fly...." ( see the ABOUT page of my BLOG)

Here in the little airstrip, people would really stop to look at airplanes that land and take-off. Flight students, maintenance crews and even happy guests like me were just too eager to take out our digital cameras to capture even for a moment a plane about to soar into the sky.

Whew! The sights and sounds of these planes! What I wouldn't do just to be able to fly one of these? It would be the most awesome of all a young boy's dream.

Elias väntade och väntade på pappa Daniel vid dörren men ingen pappa kom.

Elias kramades lite men det hjälpte såklart inte. Det var ju inte pappa, eller mamma för den delen.

Plötsligt kom mamma Ida som för tillfället utnyttjade sin flextid på jobbet.

Ida stannade en liten stund, vi fick chans att pratas vid lite och sedan blev det musik med Mora Träsk.

Världens lilla sötaste Elias blev på ett riktigt solskenshumör med lite Mora Träsk i bakgrunden.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Elias och jag har inte umgåtts själva innan och självklart blev det en stark reaktion från hans sida då pappa Daniel helt plötsligt var borta.

I egenskap av fadder har jag inte suttit barnvakt åt Elias. Jag köper fina saker och busar med han när jag hälsar på. Och äter glass på torget, som vi gjorde i söndags.

Sen Ida började jobba syns vi inte så mycket spontant längre som förr, då flera gånger i veckan. Ida ska locka med mig till Varnhem för att fika snart. Och i maj och juni kan jag börja hänga hemma hos dom igen på dagarna.

De alltid lika söta och roliga kusinbarnen Wille och Jossan

Idag lärde Wille mig att skjuta nät eftersom han var iklädd Spindelmannens dräkt.

Wille var helt klart mycket bättre på detta än mig.

Jossan underhöll som i vanlig ordning på sitt egna lilla söta sätt.

Bedårande ljuvliga barn som finns i släkten.

Well worth watching. Ron Pausch lecture: Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams:

This man was interviewed by Diane Sawyer last night on ABC. Below is the interview, and below that is the "Last Lecture" in its entirety.

If you have never heard of this man, or you haven't listened to this lecture yet, do yourself a favor and take the time to watch. Nothing has ever affected me more, or filled me with such hope and inspiration. If only we could all aspire to what he speaks..

Randy Pausch Lecture: Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams (entire lecture)

In September of last year, he delivered a lecture, passing on what he felt was important not only for his students to hear, but as a legacy for his children as they grow up without him.  He didn’t want it to be about his illness, or trying to pass on some supposed wisdom he had gained.  He wondered what it was that made him truly unique- certainly not his illness.  He decided that the thing that makes each of us entirely original is the dreams that we have as children. He titled his lecture “Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”.  He felt he was lucky to achieved many of his own, but felt that helping others achieve theirs as a teacher was even more fun.    While heartbreakingly, achingly sad, his story and attitude were also infinitely uplifting.  He sees the setbacks and disappointments in life as valuable, and said you can choose to be an Eyore or a Tigger in how you face the world.  "Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things."

As much as Tuesdays with Morrie was, this is an eye-opening opportunity to reevaluate what really matters in life- more so because of the age of the person involved and the direct form of communication. 

When I look back on my childhood dreams, how many have I fulfilled?  Some I have achieved, although in a more modest way than I had expected, some died on the vine before I was old enough to make them happen, and some I am sure I abandoned out of fear.  If I only had six months left on the planet, which ones would I want a do-over on?  Which ones would I regret not having acted on?  In what ways would I find the contentment and peace that Randy has?

Thank you Randy for your gift to the world.  God bless you and your family as you continue on your difficult journey.

As soon as I got in, I watched all 76+ minutes of the lecture, but give you instead this video for a quick overview of the talk. If you want the entire lecture, it is right here.

Why it struck me? The professor in me is very empathetic ... someone who has achieved so much in a career that I too chose, well, how can I not want to hear what he has to say. In addition, a recent post on a blog about career choices, well, it makes me ask many (far too many, perhaps) questions. Pausch entitled his talk Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams. In my humble opinion, some noteworthy quotes are (from transcript):

One of the things he told me was that wait long enough and people will surprise and impress you. He said, when you're pissed off at somebody and you're angry at them, you just haven't given them enough time. Just give them a little more time and they'll almost always impress you.

And that’s one of the reasons you should all become professors. Because you can have your cake and eat it too.

Go get a Ph.D. Become a professor.
And I said, why?
And he said, because you are such a good salesman that any company that gets you is going to use you as a salesman. And you might as well be selling something worthwhile like education.

Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.

Where does inspiration come from? Well, I have to say this address gave me some...just enough to overcome some of my own fears and appreciate what I do have. Maybe my career choice and my childhood dreams may actually be one in the same. I can’t wait for the day when I can have my cake though ;)

Last year, I agreed to give a last lecture at Carnegie Mellon University, where I’m a professor in the computer science department. A few weeks later, I learned that I had only months to live—I was dying of pancreatic cancer.

I knew I could cancel. I have three young children, I’m married to Jai, the woman of my dreams, and there were so many things to be done. But by speaking, I knew I could put myself in a bottle that would one day wash up on the beach for my children, Dylan, Logan and Chloe. Here’s what I want to share.
Read more at Parade

President Cohen, when I told him I was going to do this talk, he said, please tell them about having fun, because that’s what I remember you for. And I said, I can do that, but it’s kind of like a fish talking about the importance of water. I mean I don’t know how to not have fun. I’m dying and I’m having fun. And I’m going to keep having fun every day I have left. Because there’s no other way to play it.

The "Last Lecture", given at Carnegie Mellon University (76 minutes) By Randy Pausch

For a Closed Caption and a more complete Version (in 6 parts) go here:
"Last Lecture" by Professor Randy Pausch
(thanks to Hong Guo)

Click here to see: Randy Pausch's Web Site with more videos and links.

Click here to download a PDF file:
Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture: Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

Diane Sawyer/ABC News is doing a TV program on Wednesday, April 9th at 10pm. Click for promo.

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हर बच्चे की तरह कामिक्स अपनी भी फेवरेट हुआ करती थी। पर मांग और आपूर्ती का अनुपात जरा गडबड था। पापाजी कामिक्स के सख्त खिलाफ। सो घर पर कामिक्स यदा कदा ही उपलब्ध होती थी। हास्टल जाने के बाद वहां किसी तरह कुछ मिल जाया करती थी..। पर गर्मी की छुट्टियों में एक-एक कामिक्स किराये पर लाने के लिये बहुत जिद और चिरोरी करनी पडती थी। कभी कभार ही सफल होते थे और अठन्नी मिल भी गई तो उससे मिली कामिक्स १५ मिनट में खतम। हम सोंचते..क्यों हमारी कपडे की दुकान हैं...काश हमारी भी कामिक्स की दुकान होती। जिसकी कोई कामिक्स की दुकान होती या जिन बच्चों के घर वाले उन्हे आसानी से कामिक्स दिला देते वे हमारी ईर्ष्या के पात्र हुआ करते थे। । हां,बाल पत्रिकाएं चंपक,नंदन और बालहंस कभी कभार मिल जाया करती थीं..पापा बाहर जाते तो जरूर लाते थे और गीता प्रेस के साहित्य का तो भंडार आज भी है घर में। इसके अलावा नवोदय विद्यालय में हमारे पुस्तकालय में अमर चित्रकथाएं भी खूब सारी थीं।

कामिक्स जैसी ही हालत अपनी पतंग के मामले में थी। पतंगे हमारे यहां गर्मियों की शामों में उडाई जाती हैं और बजाय मैदानों के, अपने घर की छत से उडाई जाती हैं। और हमें कभी पतंग नही दिलवाई जाती। गिर जाओगे छत से..बस। हां, अगर कोई पतंग कट कर छत पर आ गई तो ठीक..पर मंजा कहां से लाओगे? अपना सपना हुआ करता था कि काश घर की छत पर खूब सारी पतंगे कट कर गिरें (जितनी भी पतंगें कटें.. हमारी ही छत पर गिरें)। पतंग उडाना कभी नही आया, आज भी नही आता। :(

एक और चीज जिसकी बचपन में जब्बरजस्त ख्वाहिश हुआ करती थी वो थी कोई जादूई शक्ति। कुच्छ भी मिल जाये। कोई गायब कर देने वाली जादुई टोपी,या करामाती कोट,या कोई घडी। या कोई ऐसा यंत्र जिससे हम दूसरों के मन की बात पढ लें। ये तो नही बताऊंगा कि गायब होकर क्या क्या कर सकने के ख्वाब देखा करते थे :) ...पर ये जिन्दगी में सब कुछ पा लेने जैसा था। इनसे संबंधित कई सीरियल /फिल्में उस समय दूरदर्शन पर देखीं जिनमें किसी बच्चे को कोई जादुई शक्ति मिल जाती थी। सोनी टी वी के शुरुआती दिनों में I Dream of Jeanie नामक एक अंग्रेजी टू हिन्दी डब्ड सीरियल आया करता था,जिसमें जीनी पलक झपकते ही कुछ भी कर देती थी...आज भी ये धारावाहिक बहुत याद आता है।

खेलने की चीजें अन्य चीजें थी गेंद,चपटे पत्थर, चूडियों के टुकडे और भी पता नही क्या क्या। चपटे पत्थरों से हम पव्वा खेलते थे...अलग अलग जगहों पर इस खेल अलग अलग नाम हैं...जमीन पर छः सात खांचे बना कर खेला जाता है। (वैसे ज्यादातर लडकियां खेलती हैं)। चूडियों के टुकडों से भी हम एक खेल खेलते थे जिसमें जमीन पर चाक से बनाये एक गोल घेरे में चूडियों के छोटे छोटे टुकडे डाल दिये जाते थे और इन्हे एक बडे टुकडे की सहायता से निकालना होता था। जब एक टुकडा निकालें तो वो किसी अन्य टुकडे को छूना नही चाहिये। यहां लिखना में इतना रोमंचक नही लगता लेकिन खेलते वक्त शानदार होता था। इसके अलावा गर्मी की छुट्टियों में इमली के बीज इकट्ठे करने का भी बहुत शौक हुआ करता था। इमली के बीजों को हमारे यहां कोमचे कहते हैं। इनसे चंगा-पो नामक खेल खेला जाता था। इमली के बीज को बीच में से फोडेंगे तो ये बराबर दो भागों में बंट जायेगा। बस चंगा-पो की सामग्री तैयार। चाक/बुत्ती से जमीन पर कुछ लाइने बनानी हैं। दो कोमचे फोडे और शुरू। इन कोमचों की पूरी डिब्बी हुआ करती था अपने पास। इनहे खा भी सकते थे..पर सावधान..ज्यादा खा लिये तो द्स्त बन्द हो जायेंगे :)।

बुत्ती की बात किये बिना शायद ये पोस्ट अधूरी रहेगी। स्लेट पर लिखना बुत्ती का Secondary Function हुआ करता था...असल काम तो इसका खाने में और तोड कर खोने में किया जाता था। बत्ती और चाक का स्वाद आज भी बहुत अच्छा लगता है। शायद रोजाना स्कूल जाते समय एक बुत्ती मिला करते थी। पूरी नही खाते थे लिखते भी थे..पर टूटना...गुम होना भी चलता रहता था। हाँ...ये धमकी मिलती रहती थी कि बुत्ती खाओगे तो पेट में कीडे पड जायेंगे....पर कौन कम्बख्त कीडों की परवाह करता है।(वैसे..ये कीडे परेशान बहुत करते थे :) )

आपकी भी कुछ ख्वाहिशें हों तो कह डालिये....।

• बारिश के दिनों में बगीचे में नमी वाली जगह पर चटक लाल रंग का एक कीडा निकलता है, छोटा सा, जिसकी पीठ एकदम मखमली होती है। हमारे यहां इसे सावन की डोकरी कहा जाता था। हमारा विश्वास था कि सावन की डोकरी को अगर काँच की शीशी में कुछ दिन बंद कर दें तो वो पाँच पैसे के सिक्के (इतना ही लेवल था अपना) में बदल जाती है। काफी फायदे का सौदा था...पर कभी फलीभूत नही हुआ। ऐसे प्रयोग कुछ और कीडों के साथ भी किये गये, डिब्बियां भी बदल कर देखीं...कांच की जगह प्लास्टिक की डिब्बी रख कर देखी...क्या क्या नही किया पाँच/दस पैसों के लिये...पर सब बेकार! :(

• अगर रेल की पटरी पर पचास पैसे या एक रुपये का सिक्का रख दें और उसके ऊपर से रेल निकल जाये तो वो चुम्बक में बदल जाता है। चुम्बक बचपन की सबसे प्रिय चीजों में थी और उसके छोते छोते तुकडे भी संभाल कर रखे जाते थे। लेकिन यह प्रयोग कर नही पाते थे, सिर्फ सुना था, इसके बारे में। क्योंकि गांव तो क्या...हमारे जिला मुख्यलय तक आजतक रेल नही पहुँची। और फिर एक रुपये का सिक्का इस तरह तो कुर्बान नही किया जा सकता ना?

• जिस बेर या अमरूद में मिट्ठू ने चोंच मारी हो वो और ज्यादा मीठा हो जाता है। ऐसे फल को हम मिट्ठूकट कहते थे...। सच तो ये है कि उसे किसी भी पक्षी ने काटा हो...अपने लिये वो मिट्ठूकट ही होता था। और सच में...मीठा भी होता था।

• एक पेड हुआ करता था जिस पर एक अजीब सी चीज लगती थी जिसे हम "बन्दर की रोटी" कहा करते थे। ना तो मुझे उस पेड का अन्य कोई नाम मालूम है ना उसके पत्तों,तने की शकल। नेट पर भी नही ढूंढ पाया। एक रुपये के सिक्के जैसा फल होता था वो, जिसमें एक मींजी हुआ करती थी, जो खाने में बडी स्वादिष्ट लगती थी। बंदर से उसका क्या संबंध था ये आज तक नही मालूम। (अगर किसी को उस पेड के बारे में पता हो बतायें प्लीSSSज।)

• एक और अंधविश्वास ये था कि अगर खजूर अथवा बेर खाते समय गुठली निगल गये तो पेट में उसका पेड उग जायेगा। या मीठी गोली (बोले तो टाफ़ी) खाते समय भी गलती से ऐसा हादसा हो गया, तो पेट में उसका पेड उग जायेगा। संतरे की गोली आती थी २० पैसे की एक। अब ऐसा नही था कि पेड से हमें कोई आपत्ती थी ..भई पेड होगा तो फलों की बहुतायत हो जायेगी ना फोकट में। पर अपने को प्रेक्टिकल प्राब्लम्स का डर रहता था। पेड उगा तो निकलेगा किधर से(!)...जडें किधर(!) फैलेंगी..हम कुछ और कैसे निगलेंगे/निकालेंगे आदि आदि :) । कई बार ऐसा हुआ कि गोली चूसते चूसते या बेर खाते हुए गुठली निगल गये, और फिर कितनी देर तक डर सताता रहा कि पेड न उग जाये।

• एक पौधा होता था,जिसका नाम होता था विद्या। हमारा ऐसा मानना था कि इसकी पत्ती किताबों में रखने से 'विद्या' आती है, बोले तो ज्ञान प्राप्त होता है। ज्ञान प्राप्ति का ये जिन्दगी में आजतक का सबसे सरल एवं सुगम मार्ग है। आप क्या सोंच रहे थे...इतना ज्ञान हम ऐसे ही झाड रहे हैं इत्ती देर से? :)

आप बताइये...आप भी सोंचा करते थे बचपन में ऐसा कुछ?

Vi stora skulle äta senare.

Jag smygfotade Jossan i sitt ätande.

Ganska snabbt blev jag upptäckt.

Linsus som hon är bekom det henne inte ett skit.

Och när hon skulle sova var det fortfarande lite väl pigga miner.

Undrar om tuppen stått modell för påskkortet.

"i don't need you to walk me home, i can get home myself."

"Rin its dangerous, your going home really late. i'll stay and wait for you"

"No, i'll be fine." now 14 years old, Rin felt like she had something to prove. what drove her need to be more independent was the fact that Wee was beginning to show his rebellious side befriending those others looked down on. Rin could tell that Wee was upset, but she knew this was something she had to do. Wee was about to say something but before he could utter another word Rin turned and walked away.

Rin continued to look at the clock on the library wall, the sound of thunder was the only thing that silenced the ticking of the secondhand. it was almost 9pm and it was dark out but Rin only had a little more to go. She needed to finish the project before tomorrow morning. determined she went back to work and before she knew it, it was past 10 and the storm seemed to be coming closer.

Rin gathered her stuff and walked home. the rain started to fall, she held her bag over her head and started to walk with a fast pace but as the rain grew harder she began to run a little faster. Rin was relieved when she only had a couple of blocks to go and stopped in a phonebooth to take a breather. once she caught her breath she stepped out only to find out that she wasn't alone.

"hey pretty girl, whatcha doing out so late?" it was a boy from her school, someone who looked so familar but she was too tired to remember where he was from.

"i'm going home, excuse me" Rin replied as she tried to walk passed another boy. the two let her through but a third stepped out from behind the booth and got in her way. the rain began to fall even harder.

"so soon? it's still early, why don't you stay out with us?" the third boy said with a smirk on his face. Rin looked him in the eyes without a reply and stepped to side to try and get passed him but he grabbed her arm. as he tried to pull her close she swung her bag and hit him over the head.

he yelled out in pain as Rin began to run, but the other boys caught up with her. she picked up a stick from the side of the road and held her ground. "leave me alone or i'll hurt all of you!" she yelled. the boys laughed and moved closer ignoring her threat. she swung as hard as she could and hit one of the boys on his arm and he grabbed it in pain. the other boy grabbed the end of the stick and pulled it closer. they were now face to face, the boy with a develish look, Rin with fear in her eyes. He moved his face closer but before he could do anything she kicked him as hard as she could and he let go. she stepped back but before she could get away one of the boys grabbed her leg and she fell to the ground.

"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MESS WITH HER" a familar voice screamed out. the boys looked up to see who the voice had come from.  Rin lifted her head from the ground to see a familar pair of shoes and when she looked up she could tell that it was Wee. He had been waiting in the rain for her at the end of their block, when she saw Wee she realized where she knew these boys from. they were the ones he had begun to hang out with, the ones that made him a different person.

Wee looked down at Rin and she could see the anger in his eyes. he walked passed her and grabbed the stick and stood over the boys. the boys scrambled to get up and ran off into the night.

Rin sat up in the middle of road and stared at Wee as he gathered up her stuff, they could both see that her project was ruined. even through the rain Wee could see the tears running down her cheeks. he picked her up and carried her the rest of the way home.

her dad put her to bed as her mom prepared her medicine. they thanked Wee for bringing her home, but he didn't hear a word of it. all he could do was look at Rin as she laid there in her bed still shaking from the cold. still holding on to Rin's project he turned to walk out of the room, her dad stopped him and told him to stay at their house tonight. although never talked about, everyone was fully aware that Wee's parents would hardly ever be home.

Rin moved some boxes in her closet and pulled out a little box, it was old and dusty but well taken care of. she opened it to find her school project completed with the ink of the A she had received fading with time. she smiled as she remembered how she had woken up the next morning to find that Wee had fallen asleep on the ground of the spare bedroom. lying next to him was her ruined project, as she walked over to him she noticed something on the table. it was a duplicate of her project completed to perfection just as it had been when she left the library.

Wee leaned against the wall and kicked a rock and watched it disappear into the night. he looked at his watch it was almost 10 and still no sign of Rin. as the rain started to fall, Wee began to get angry at himself for letting his stubborness get the better of him. she said she didnt need him. she walked away from him. but he let her go, he left her alone.

some time had passed and he heard the yelling. he could tell it was Rin, he could tell she was in trouble. he ran as hard and as fast as he could and then he saw it. two boys laying on the floor and Rin face to face with another. his anger grew and he ran even faster, by the time he got to her, Rin had fallen to the floor. he saw who the boys were, they were his other group of friends. the ones no one could accept. he had warn them before never to touch Rin, but they didn't listen. for him, tonight was the end of that other life, the life others had grown to hate him for.

Wee couldn't bring himself to look at Rin, but he could feel her staring at him. he gathered up her stuff and finally turned around to look at her. he saw the tears through the rain and they looked at each other in silence. he went over and bent down to wipe away the rain from her face and the tears from her eyes, but she pulled away. Wee pulled back his hand, never before had Rin moved away from him so deliberately. he knew that he had messed up and that he hurt her.

"i'm sorry" he said but Rin just stared at him.

"no more, i'll change, i'm sorry." Rin continued to look into his eyes without saying a word. she could see it in his eyes that this time he meant it. Wee attempted to move her hair out of her face and Rin didnt move away. He picked her up and she leaned her head against him and he carried her home.

her mother was upset with him, he knew it was his fought and that she had no reason to forgive him or believe in him anymore. but her father was more understanding. he knew that Wee felt lost without his parents now that they had gone their separate ways.

it wasn't the first time that Rin's father had allowed Wee to spend the night, but it was the first time Wee accepted. rather than sleep, Wee carefully looked over Rin's project and stayed up all night reconstructing it. the sun was coming up when Wee finally finished and fell asleep on the floor never before had he put so much effort into anything related to school.

Wee finally woke up and it took him a few moments to realize where he was. as he was sitting up he noticed there was a piece of paper next to him.

"thank you. eat your food and get some rest or else it will be to easy for me catch you. ^_^"

Wee smiled as he remembered how he found a cup of hot chocolate and some toast sitting in the same place he had put Rin's project. he took one last sip of his hot chocolate before he got up to leave. he gathered up his stuff and made his way back to the front of the coffee shop. he hadn't slept for 3 days and needed another cup.

Wee fiddled with his mp3 player while he waited in line, oblivious that the line had moved forward he felt a tap on his shoulder and it was then that he realized someone had been talking to him.

"mister, its your turn." Wee looked up and saw the cashier waiting to take his order and he turned around to apologize to the person behind him. but rather than being able to say sorry Wee was speechless. standing there before him was Rin, she herself just as shocked as he.

"sir, can i help you? what would you like to drink?" confused Wee turned his back on Rin and stuttered "um... no... its ok... i change my mind." and quickly turned away and ran out the door.

Wee didn't turn back, he didn't want to face Rin. but old habits die hard, even after so many years Wee still found himself slowing down at the sound of Rin chasing after him so that she could catch up. now at the corner of the street, Wee made his way through the crowd to wait at the edge of the curb for the light to turn.

"Weeee" Rin's voice was much closer now, but there was nowhere for Wee to turn so he did his best to hide in the crowd.

"do you hate my this much, that you have to run away from me?" Rin's voice was now right behind him, her words brought tears to his eyes. the light changed and the crowd made its ways across the street. now it was only Wee and Rin standing alone on the corner.

"if you hate me this much, if you can't even look at me. ill go. ill leave you alone." she said.

there was silence. Wee continued to stand there with his back to her as his eyes continued to fill with tears.

"i'm sorry i bothered you. i'm sorry about everything. you must think that i betrayed you and your right. i did and i'm sorry." Wee stood there and listened as his last memories of Rin flashed before him.

screaming in horror, Wee saw Rin's mother running out of the house. Rin struggling to follow her mother confused at what all the commotion was about. all Wee could do was stand there and watch as the two screamed and cried, as they fell to the ground in pain.

the body of Rin's father was laying at Wee's feet. blood had covered the ground where Rin and her mother now sat holding on to one another hoping that this was all a bad dream. as her mom let go of Rin to go to her husband, Wee moved over and knelt down besides Rin.

he put his arm around her and pulled her close. Rin grasped his hand and felt something cold something wet. she looked at her own hand to see blood. she sat up and looked at Wee and he was covered in dirt sweat and blood.

"what happen?? are you ok?? are you hurt??" she asked. Wee took her hand and nodded his head no.

"YOU!! you did this you killed him!!" Rin's mother screamed

"MOM!! what are you talking about??" Rin questioned her mother and then she heard something drop. she turned to look at Wee and then at the ground beside him. a gun had fallen out of his other hand.

"Wee... what is this? what did you do?" Rin's voice now shaking as she began to understand her mother's words. Wee stood up "i'm sor..."

"YOUR SORRY???" Rin was now standing face to face with Wee. Wee was silent. Rin grabbed his arms and began to shake him "tell me you had nothing to do with this. TELL ME!! tell me you didn't kill my father!!"

Wee put his head down and turned away from Rin. there was only one way Rin could take his response, that her mother was right.

"look at me!! LOOK AT ME YOU COWARD!! how could you?"

Wee turned to face Rin. he knew he deserved every word she had to say to him. he had promised her that he had changed. he had promised her that he would no longer hurt her, that he would not do anything to harm her family. he promised he would be a changed man, one good enough to take care of her for the rest of her life. he had let her down again. he knew that no matter what he told them about what happen would matter. even if they believed his story, it didn't change the fact that Rin's father was gone.

"i didn't... i'm sorry... Rin i'm sorry." he reached out to grab hold of her hand but she moved away just as she had done that one rainy night. he could see the anger in her eyes, something he had never seen directed to him before. and before he knew it he felt the sting of her hand sliding across his face.

"Get out!! get out of my sight!! get out!! i never want to see you again" and with those words Wee knew how much he had wronged her and even though she had misunderstood everything, he felt there was nothing he could do that would ever make things right again. and for once last time he uttered "i'm sorry" and walked away as the sound of their crying was being drowned out by the sound of sirens.

"i can understand why you don't want to see me, why you don't want to talk to me. but i just wanted to you know that i know what you did, i know everything about what happen that day. i was wrong and i'm sorry. i know its not enough to change what i said to you, but i mean it from my heart." she reached out to grab his hand and Wee could feel her breathe against his neck. "i'm sorry" and with that Rin let go and walked way.

"i don't hate you. i could never hate you." Rin stopped and turned around to see Wee standing before her. she could see the tears he had wiped away.

"Wee, i know" Rin reached out and took his hand. "i know what you did for my father, i know you didn't hurt him."

Wee couldn't believe what he was hearing, he couldn't believe the warmth that came from simply being able to hold Rin's hand.

"let's go somewhere and talk" she said. Wee was still speechless and all he could do was look at her.

"Come on! let's go i'm hungry. i know you can buy me lunch" Rin said with a smile on her face and she pulled him along as she turned to walk back in the direction they had came.

Wee finally came back to his senses and walked along side her. they walked silently holding hands when the rain began to fall again. Rin held her face to the sky and smiled as the rain sprinkled across her face. Wee took out his umbrella and held it over her.

"you haven't changed at all have you?" he said.

Rin opened her eyes and smiled at him. "neither have you."

the two found a little cafe with a table tucked away in the corner where they could talk. they ordered their food and their drinks. they sat in silence, looking at each other. neither really knowing where they should begin because both felt like they owed the world to the other.

they sat in silence until their drinks arrived. Rin could tell that Wee had a million thoughts running through his mind and so she began.

"i saw you, i saw you that day at my father's funeral" Wee was surprised, he had always felt that he had hid himself well enough from those who attended. "why did you hide? you had nothing to hide."

Wee played with the straw in his cup and replied "i don't know. i didn't know what to say to you. you're father died because of me..."

"but he didn't, he didn't die because of you. i tried to find you after the funeral but you were already gone. i wanted to tell you that the police told us everything that happen... i wanted to apologize for all the things i said to you" Wee could see Rin's eyes begin to water as she recounted the events that happen after he had turned his back and walked away

"the neighbors had heard the yelling, they heard the gunfire. some had even saw the whole thing. thats why the police came so quickly because someone had call them when they heard my father yelling.

they caught the guy who shot my father as he was trying to run away. he confessed to everything when there were witnesses that confirmed he was the shooter. the shooter was upset with my father, he was after me it was the same guy that had attacked me that night. do you remember?"

"forget? i have never forgiven myself for that night. it was my fault they came after you. i never should have started hanging out with them. Rin i did a lot of bad things because of them but it was my fault. it was my choice to those things with them and i accepted the fact that everyone hated me for it. but you were the only one that could see past it all, you never forgot who i was and could still see that person inside of me.

that guy, he came back because i left them after that night. i told them if they ever came after you again i would make them live to regret it. its my fault Rin, its my fault that he came back."

Rin finally understood why Wee never said a word the day he left, why he never bothered to try and tell her about what really happen. he was holding the weight of the world on his shoulders and to him even if he didnt pull the trigger he was the one who brought the gun there in the first place.

she reached over the table and put her hand on Wee's. "i know how you are and you have to stop it. you did what you promised me you would do. you didn't know what would happen next none of us did."

"Wee, everyone told us how you protected my father. how you tried to save him."

Wee looked at Rin with eyes filled with guilt "but..."

"no, no but's.... you tried to save my father, you did everything you could do." Rin gave Wee's hand a squeeze and smiled. "Wee i owe you more than an apology for all those things i said to you, i also have to thank you."

"thank me? for what?"

"for everything, for looking after me. for looking after my parents, for trying to help my father. you know he loved you just as much as i did. you didn't let him down, i know that your courage would have made him proud."

Wee didn't know what to say, for ten years he carried around his guilt and his fear that Rin would always hate him. and here she was telling him of the guilt she carried with her for misunderstanding what went on that day.

Now what is this video about - in the words of Dr. Randy Pausch about whom the video is, "when there is an elephant in the room introduce it" - Randy is suffering from pancreatic cancer and is in its last stages. He is a professor at Carnegie Mellon, married and has 3 kids. "The Last Lecture" is a ritual in Carnegie Mellon where hypothetically the professor has to speak about things he would say if it was his last lecture i.e. he would die soon. However, in this case, it is pretty much true - its Randy's last lecture and he talks about how to achieve your childhood dreams and above all how to live life.

Watching this made me think about my life and how I am living it. How often we spend either regretting about the things that have happened are in the past or planning for things in the future. We forget that neither the past nor the future is something for 100% under our full control but the present – our precious present is in our control and we just ignore it and take it for granted.

If only we lived every moment to the fullest we would have no past to regret and no future that required extensive planning. At this point I am not denying the fact that planning is important – we can’t just live by the moment for everything. However, what is important is a balance between planning and living every moment.

What is important is an overall attitude to life. How positive thinking makes a whole lot of difference and the determination to not say die but handle every failure as a challenge to face it head on, play harder and make sure you get the better of it.

I won’t say I have had the worst childhood anyone can think off – infact it is quiet the opposite I don’t think I would want to exchange mine with anyone else’s and one of the many things I agree with Randy is that I had great parents. However, at the risk of sounding over-profound, life is a bed of roses including thorns and I had my share of thorns too. My dearest dog Natty passed away when I was 9 years old. My grand dad and my other dear dog - Braun passed away when I was 10. My dad followed soon and left us when I was 11 years; being the oldest child did the last rights. My father-figure – my grand dad passed away on my 18^th birthday. Both my grand mothers followed soon and before I was 21 the only close people whom I refer to as my family is my mother, younger sister and more recently my boy friend. I don’t say these to gather sympathy – I HATED the look of sympathy in anyone’s eyes. But all I am saying is a girl of my story and from where I come from, mostly finishes school and is married off. Today, I am an international student (my childhood dream since I was 10) – go to a leading management school (my dream since I was 15) and pretty much on my way to a well established working woman. Yes, it might seem the achievements of any child but I have had my fair share of fighting to do and didn’t exactly come on a silver platter.

Well this post is not about me, it is about how positive thinking is the way to go when it comes to living life the right way and if we do live life the right way – childhood dreams and all dreams for that matter do come true. In my roller-coaster ride of a life (like everyone else) one of my greatest learning is that all battles are primarily won in the hearts of people. Life is like a bed of roses complete with its thorns and rewards only those who are persistent and are optimistic. Hence, we should never give up trying. I firmly believe that a man is not finished when he's defeated. He's finished when he quits. We should never lose hope and never be afraid to fail.

In the words of Oprah Winfrey to a graduating class of Wellesley College –

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.
You will be wounded many times in your life.
You'll make mistakes.
Some people will call them failures.
But I have learnt that failure is really just
God's   way of saying:
'Excuse me; you're moving in the wrong direction.”

For people who are interested the video is below: