Worse when it won't help that the food ain't finished and we had to discard a considerable amount of food that maybe a tiger can finish, but nonetheless we all had a happy time I guess. And of course, not forgetting a happy birthday celebration for Zhenwei, plus a belated one for Wayne.

Life nowadays to me is just a chore. How I couldn't help but think of dying. Finding a job is already killing me, and now working for a relative means salary is something that is very "indecisive". And it seems weird that those idiots from the agencies don't receive the emails when I apply for their freaking post. Just when I'm feeling so down not having a stable income, this stupid blow came. So much for the feng shui saying I'm rich this year.

Rich my ass.

A society like this will just eventually drive every Singaporean away from their motherland. The rich are getting richer, the poor? Maybe to the point that they have to beg. Recently after heading to Eugene's house to repair is fuzzy laptop at Tiong Bahru, I walked past a 2 room HDB flat. And on the first storey of the HDB flat, darkness looms in the living rooms of the units, and with one, I saw a family of perhaps 6 living in there (If I didn't see wrongly).

The father of the family just glanced at me, but while I couldn't help but think what the society is going to give him and his family in the future. With him already to the brink of poverty, I couldn't do anything but to wish him for the better and also to give a thought that I'm lucky to be living in a better condition, typing my life away here. Even if the society provides generally good conditions of living, the STANDARD of living is too high. They might provide good houses here, but if you have no money, you can't even have you own shelter.

Poverty. Will the society face it?

With the "garment" already so interested in foreign investments, it's not surprising to see many foreigners living here and many Singapore leaving here. Our roots and culture will die down, slowly but surely fading away with the dust in the air. Then the average people like us will try to save up a considerable amount of cash to migrate, to get lost from this society so demanding and stressful. So we should be asking :"Is the price increase to everything necessary when everything we did last time was as good as the world can get?"

Helping us cope? How do we even look at it when every time we stepped out of the rusted gates means we HAVE TO SPEND MONEY? Be it travelling, eating, buying needs. Anything, we are still caught in a blistering feel in the pockets. And it hurts. And you know why there's inflation? Because the RICH are SPENDING BIG. Then the average and poor? Spending only necessary money like food and household, paying bills like signing cheques for free, contributing to the inflation with minimal amount.

If only money falls from the sky.

And do you think that giving a mere 600 dollars, sub divided by every don't-know-how-many-freaking-months can help people to cope? I guess not. Not me definitely. Finding job easy? More job openings easy? How do I even find one when the internet makes life convenient but at the same time the company is not doing their job by HELPING people in need like me? Fuck the job agencies la.

And to encourage people to give birth to babies just because we have a problem with the aging population? Well, increasing everything else in the society will only help to keep younger couples AWAY from reproduction. Price hikes will lead to both parents having the need to work for a more stable income. Maids? They either don't know how to, or they just run away for a better life. Parent's parents? They are old and dying come on. Kids need their parents to be there in their lives in order for a wonderful childhood, and this means time consumption as well as showering the kid with love and care. Do the parents have time if they are to work full time? I guess the answer is obvious.

Kids. How dreadful as well to take care of.

The 2nd thought that comes to mind is the price hike might shun the people from reproduction because in this case, to feed a child is like feeding him/her gold. It's high maintenance. And yet companies are not paying that much to their employees because they themselves wish to make profits as well. Kids? With education, food, petrol blah blah blah increasing in price, how they wish they didn't had, especially here.

This makes sense definitely.

Just Die La. No point ranting because I'm after all a silent complaint.

Two days. That's all it took for me to finish this 26 episode show. I've seen other shows where I could watch a lot of episodes in succession but I think with this watch I was really, really interested in how it would turn out in each episode which doesn't happen very often with shows I watch.

Planetes has great animation lacking that ever so popular bright colors and cute character designs. Great character development which I think is it's strongest point. Most of the show takes place in space but I think it really could take place anywhere. Through a good portion of the show before the major events of the show started to occur I was thinking about how I could see something like this happening in everyday life. You have this guy, Hachi, who is really good at his job, and meets a girl who just joins. They eventually start dating but after a while Hachi just wants to push himself more after he starts to learn more about himself. For some reason the image of a young guy working at a fast food restaurant came to mind here.

The first few episodes were all slice of life like and were all in good fun for a while, and things honestly don't get more serious until at least episode 13. I think without those slice of life like episodes I wouldn't have grown to love the characters as much as I did in the second half. The characters are absolutely lovable. Well, the guys of the debris section are at least. Overall it's really awesome to see how the characters grow from episode 1 to 26. Some characters I agree with and others I don't. I definitely loved Tanabe and Hachimaki the most. I loved seeing the two of them grow throughout the show. I also liked the minor characters a lot too. The chief and assistant were pretty funny for your average joe looking minor characters.

Actions of some of the characters (and those you never really see) really got me pissed off towards the end. The thing about this show is there is no clear cut good and bad. I'm against the actions of the terrorists in this show and I don't agree with their aims and what they try to do to fulfill those but then the third world countries aren't benefiting because of the first world countries just moving right on ahead making these less fortunate places go into civil war because they can't compete. This really just brought back all those feelings I have that are anti war, and my hatred of big corporations and secret dealings just raise to the surface. I really got teary eyes here and there. I just couldn't understand how these terrorists could kill innocent people. Thinking that by killing others who had nothing to do with the starvation and death happening in the third world countries it would some how make things right. A lot of the themes and ideas in Planetes really deal with things that are going on in the world today, and that hit home.

This was definitely a great watch for me. I loved it. If you're sick of the current trend of anime. Want something interesting themes, ideas or realism. Tired of bright colors and cute designs or want something with strong character development I would say try this show out. Now, I need to get the manga.

After a two plus hour nap I felt restored. Read for an hour and played for two or so. I think the singing is coming along. I also hunted up my Dremel Tool, which I probably hadn't used in at least five years and probably more. The case was right where it was supposed to be. The actual tool was buried under years worth of crap in a utility room. I just dropped it where it was when I was done and forgot all about it. An impossibility in early lives. Typical in more recent ones. Normally I would have lost my mind when I couldn't put my hand on it instantly. Didn't bother me much today. I just looked for a little and luckily it wasn't as lost as it could have been.

Tonight I think I'll restring my guitar, which I hate doing with a passion. Maybe read some more or even blog a little. Doesn't feel like the world is about to crush me today. Somewhat surprising considering the previous two. Maybe there's something to this bipolar diagnosis after all. (More on the later.)

Come spesso succede, vorrei parlare qui di vita, Fede, mondo e società.
Tutto si traduce nell'analizzare il fatto che, bene o male, più o meno inconsciamente, ognuno di noi viaggia verso un obiettivo, unico, totale e totalizzante.

Possibile che esista per noi tutti una meta comune?
Ebbene sì, la risposta è anche puittosto semplice: il raggiungimento della Felicità.

Ragionando in modo assai logico e analitico (sto prendendo su delle brutte abitudini... :P ) si potrebbe dire che abbiamo delineato quello che è il campo d'esistenza della nostra soluzione.
Ora però la cosa si fa complicata: cosa rappresenta per noi la Felicità?
Qui vi è la grande diversificazione soggettiva e oggettiva per ogni persona, lo step pratico che ci riporta sulla Terra.
Come non possiamo dire "Voglio andare a visitare la Francia" senza acquistare il biglietto del treno per una (o più) città specifiche, così neanche nella vita possiamo, nemmeno volontariamente, viaggiare verso un concetto astratto e fittizio di stato, gruppo o insieme senza darci come traguardo, o prima tappa, uno degli elementi del suddetto.

Sarà allora che prima di partire, anche se non ci interessa particolarmente, acquisteremo un biglietto per Parigi, Tolosa o Marsiglia.
Altresì nella vita, anche se è meno semplice (purtroppo non ci sono cataloghi e foto da sfogliare) puntiamo verso un qualcosa di specifico; nel nostro caso qualcosa che incontri il nostro concetto di realizzazione personale.

Fissata la tappa, come è comune fare, si sceglie il mezzo.
Possiamo andare in treno, aereo, o anche a piedi; ogni cosa ha i suoi vantaggi e svantaggi.
Nella vita di tutti i giorni, il mezzo di trasporto che scegliamo si traduce ognuno in un modo diverso di approcciarsi con il prossimo, il previsto e l'imprevisto, o più generalmente col mondo.
E credete, ci sono un sacco di modi per arrivare in un determinato posto, così come ci sono altrettante città francesi che per noi sarebbero sinonimo di Felicità.

Proprio qui volevo giungere: come dico sempre, anzi, come m'è stato insegnato dalla mia grande mamma (non voglio prendermi lodi immeritate) tutto si riuduce a una questione di priorità.
Tanti sono i posti da vedere, le cose fantastiche da fare; e veramente misero è il tempo che abbiamo a disposizione.
E' inutile rimandare la decisione, così come pensare ingenuamente di poter fare tutto: è assolutamente necessario fare una lista di precedenze, mettere qualcosa al primo posto, così come anche nel secondo e nel terzo e così via, ma tenendo bene a mente che già la seconda meta del nostro grande interrail troverà lo spazio che merita solo quando l'obiettivo precedente sarà raggiunto.

Il problema che si presenta ora però è discernere ciò che per noi veramente è adatto al posto più alto di questa fantomatica lista d'importanza: la famiglia? Il divertimento? La carriera?
Ogni cosa priva spazio ad un'altra, e il tempo ahimé, non è dilatabile.

Concludo parlando di esperienza personale.
M'è stato detto che finisco "troppo dentro" alle cose.
E sono pienamente d'accordo, ma vorrei giustificare il mio comportamento apparentemente masochista.

Tralasciando il fatto che io sia, a dispetto di quel che sembra, puittosto emotivo (e già questo da' un bel colpo al barile), voglio sperare che questo articolo abbia chiarito un po', a me in primis, il perché di questo mio modo di comportarmi.
Tornando all'esempio del viaggio, è inciampo comune il bloccarsi sull'indecisione; la paura dovuta all'insicurezza.
Essendo cosciente di questo, la mia paura sta proprio lì: nel rimanere fermo.
Io dico, in modo anche molto sbarazzino se volete, che è meglio decidere e sbagliarsi.
Al limite finiremo in un paese che non incontra le nostre esigenze, torneremo indietro e avremo le idee più chiare. Magari avremo persino qualche bel ricordo da tenere.
E' certo che rischiare non piace a nessuno, ma siate sinceri, tra una gita imperfetta che si potrebbe rivelare discreta e il rimanere a casa, cosa preferireste?

(mi viene in mente il recente andazzo sulla questione fidanzamento/matrimonio/convivenza, ma non voglio divagare troppo ndR)

E' per questo che io tendo ad essere prorompente, impaziente, testardo.
Non è superba convinzione di avere la verità in mano la mia, bensì il voler evitare a tutti i costi il rimanere immobile a girarmi i pollici; io la mia città l'ho scelta, sbagliata o giusta che sia, e non vedo l'ora di arrivarci.
Sarà bella? Sprizzerò gioia da ogni poro per aver fatto una buona scelta.
Sarà brutta? Perfortuna nessuno è costretto a rimanerci: tornerò indietro con la ricchezza dell'esperienza.

Unica cosa, non tenetemi a casa! C'è tanto da contemplare e il tempo stringe.

Spesso, e ne sono cosciente, mi ritrovo anche puittosto malinconico per motivi apparentemente insulsi.
Rispondo che rimanere fermo non è solamente frutto dell'indecisione, ma anche dell'insuccesso.
Cosa c'è di più sconsolante di sapere che un altro giorno è passato, e nonostante i tuoi sforzi, non ti sei avvicinato di un passo alla tua meta?
Sorge persino il dubbio di aver sbagliato il mezzo.

La soluzione? La pazienza, la Fede, la gioia dell'attesa, buoni occhiali per vedere anche i più piccoli passi compiuti giorno dopo giorno.
Ma accidenti, quanto è difficile!

Alla fine ho parlato di me per metà dell'articolo, mi spiace molto e chiedo perdono, spero possa mantenere una discreta utilità ugualmente.

Hhahaha thats right Ive been in bed the whooooooole day :( Well it feels kinda nice to just do nothing and stay home for once. I miss being lazy and i know during exams i just couldn't wait to start complaining about, being B-O-R-E-D!

Sent Fakhri off last night. Surprisingly i.. didn't cry. But Fakhri thank you for your words of encouragement, I love you :) When his mum told him it was time to go in I just screamed ECKKKK!!!! And i think he got embarrassed cause after that he said, 'please babe.' Hahaha.

So i didnt cry there but when i got home.... OOOOOOOOOOH WHOA. I know i cried a lot of times but. I never seen my eyes so bloody red and swollen. I always wanted swollen eyes. My eyelids never swell up because.... well i have so many of them haha.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come back for Raya! :'( Bekos, I really miss you and going everywhere with you and doing nothing with you and talking about everything with you and your jokes and role-playing (Sayid) that nobody really gets but would have me in fits of laughter and your random thoughts that you spill out that i don't really know how to respond to and the insignificant things you notice that nobody notices and is not really important in life and the funny things you draw and write that you wouldnt think I would see or read and that smell of yours that is always the same no matter if you belum mandi or baru mandi and how when we come across someone who said/did something weird we would look at each other and think the exact same thing without saying a word and how you make fun of me and then i make fun of you too and the way you say 'JAHAT!' when i do and how you know exactly how to cheer me up and calm me down and... i miss you! :(

"At any rate, let us love for a while, for a year or so, you and me. That's a form of divine drunkenness that we can all try."

Now i know how it feels to be in HIS shoes when I left for London! Plus it wouldve been worse for him cause I was always at his house, like everyminuteofeveryday :(

So today i have no plans but..

Tomorrow will be a better day :)

xxn

I don't know why but I have felt like a bottle of pop that has been viciously shaken and this afternoon the lid came of unfortunately spraying a very close friend who has been a brick these last few weeks. I managed to quickly put the lid back on thing but, I feel even more crap now.

I feel like I have been on the brink of tears all day, its nothing specific I just think the event of the past 4 weeks are catching up with me combined with being very, very tired. Its all getting to much and I have had enough now but, there's nothing to do but keep plodding on. I know it will get easier its just a case of when?

Lilly has an appointment with the dermatologist next Saturday. Apparently he's swamped. The receptionist first told me he was full and wanted to know how bad Lilly actually was. I would have thought that my calling for the first time in two and half years or more would have made it self-evident that she was doing pretty damn bad. Anyway, she seems to be a little better today, at least compared to last night. The good thing about the dermatologist is that he actually identifies the particular bug and prescribes the antibiotic thus indicated. The regular vet just crap shoots it, sort of like our shrinks with our psychotropic meds. It's gone on too fucking long. I sick of giving them pills twice a day. While I'll almost certainly wind up at least as busy after seeing the specialist, I'll see improvement.

Anyway, it's blazing hot and I'm trying to settle in for a long, depressed weekend. A movie tomorrow afternoon may be mandatory. Perhaps Sunday too. In past lives films sometimes had the power to transform my mood, at least temporarily. Maybe that old trick will work once again?

Don’t tell anyone but the soundtrack is excellent to dance some excess energy off! ;) I am off now to track down some other films with Meryl Streep in because she is such an amazing actress for 59! I have some films with her in but they could not have got a better person to play Donna in Mamma Mia, she just has so much get up and go in it!

Yesterday’s I mentioned a fire that broke out somewhere near the retail park which we witnessed at our meal out. Twenty four hours later it’s still burning and despite me living eight miles away from its location the whole area smells strongly of wood burning. It’s such a strong disgusting smell and despite the windows being shut the house smells awful because of it. The fire broke out at a recycling plant in the town where wood is recycled. There are currently over 40 fire fighters there trying to control the blaze and they don’t think it will be out tonight. Over 300 homes have lost there water supply because of all the pressure being used to fight the fire. I don’t think I have ever recalled a fire being this big in the town!

Currently Listening To: Mamma Mia - Soundtrack

Sometimes I just can't help but wonder about my mother. Last night I asked her if she'd let Roscoe out of my room in the mornings so he wouldn't paw and lick me awake long before I was ready to get up. She said she thought I wanted to get up early. I said I did but that I wasn't able to get to sleep until very late. A little while later she wanted to know if the psychiatrist might could so something about my not sleeping. I told her again that I was sleeping just fine, just not on the schedule I preferred. She seemed to understand.

And she let Roscoe out before he could start in on me. The icing on the cake was that she let Lilly in a few minutes later. Never mind that I'd told her Lilly was barred after the great bed wetting episode. An hour of so later when I got up to pee and eject Lilly Mom met me in the hall and said she let Lilly in my room because she wouldn't stop crying. So she let her in my room to disturb me? Is Mom just that stupid or is there some sort of passive-aggressive or other insanity going on with her? Actually this was fairly predictable and typical of the kind of shit she does. I'll try and start making a note of her antics for your amusement and my relief.

I was surprised to hear she'd been having issues with the parents - she's always been closer to them than me. I think there is some pressure from being the only one of us 3 kids still around. But it's interesting that she's been picking up on some of the things now that I've struggled with for years. You forget that parents can have  tantrums and temper, that moods can be quite sudden in changing and pretty unpleasant sometimes. I think for a long time I've forgotten about that family heirloom - sudden rage. I've focussed on it in myself for so long I think I've claimed it as my own, but it's definitely been passed down!

It was nice to sit around with glasses of wine and talk about things outside the daily grind though. Hear about someone else's fun and games at work, other people's friends and about places I used to live that now seem like strange lands. I've always loved Yorkshire on the whole but somehow it's nice to live a long way away - I can't ever imagine wanting to move back now. It would mean living with the ghosts of the past - like living in a constant therapy session!! :-)

But they're on their way back home now, it's back into the daily grind and the here-and-now. It feels like it's left me with a mass of spaghetti for brains, like I've been plucked out of my usual environment, dipped into a dream world, then dropped back where I belong. Odd too that since seeing them I've had the smell of a restaurant I worked in years ago following me around - I think it was the smell of the polish they used - inside and out. Like being haunted by that time - teenage years. Ugh, creepy.

So far today I feel like the sober one at a party - all the energy I'd built up over the week has dissipated and I'm flat. I've read a lot of blogs today, forced myself to do some work and put lots of early Adam Ant on as it's what I usually end up listening to when I'm buzzing Dirk Wears White Soxs, Deutscher Girls) - in the hope I'll wake up or something. Plus have now eaten a whole pack of brownies today after they were mentioned in a comment. No wonder I'm putting weight on!!

Oh yes, and I've just realised my mouth is working without the intervention of my brain by the fact that I've just insulted my line manager without thinking about it - hope that doesn't come back to bite me!! Better get on with some work tout de suite.

I felt pretty decent and while it was warmer and more humid than Tuesday, it didn't feel so awful and I ended up pushing the pace some for a little over 20 minutes, about 5 beats of heartrate below what my heartrate would be at for tempo pace.  Covered 3.8 miles in a bit over 39 minutes, the most distance I've covered in some time.

I've got to be happy about that.  I feel more confident that my body has come around again, I don't have everything yet but I've got some energy again.

Plan on running tomorrow, do it easy though, try to get at least 5 miles and maybe up around an hour of running time.  The heat and humidity are going to broil the area today and I'm sure it'll feel like soup tomorrow morning, so I ought to try to wake up and be out and running before 6.  I plan to use the heart rate monitor and any time I see my heart rate reach 145 bpm, I'll drop down to a walk and won't resume running until I'm back down below 130 bpm.  It's just a precautionary measure.  Yeah, I was able to run for 20 minutes with my heart up over 155 bpm on Thursday, but tomorrow's run is meant to go longer so I'm still leery of what prolonged stress could do.

If everything goes okay with that, I'm seriously considering trying 4 runs the following week.  See if I can the schedule I did much of the second half of last year, T-Th-Sat-Sun.  When I've woken up on the days after running this week, I've felt good enough to go and run, a much different feel from a few weeks ago when the day after a run I'd feel somewhat wiped out.

Is it okay to wish for a cool month of August though?  I'm glad that it feels like I can get back to running and training again, but man, this heat and humidity is harsh.

I go back in tomorrow for another violation ultrasound to see what's what.  They started me on the Ganirelix today.  Can I say...OW!!!  The needle does not play nice and the juice stings!!!  I don't like it.  But, whatever.  Dr doesn't feel we'll retrieve before Monday.  So tomorrow we'll see.

My mood is seriously bad.  Honestly, you know what I'm looking forward to?  The retrieval.  Why?  Because they will KNOCK. MY. ASS. OUT!  I just don't want to deal or think.  I'm seriously hoping for pain killers for after the procedure.  I'm REALLY sore for about 24-36 hours after a retrieval.  Not sure why, maybe just sensitive.  So it would be a nice bonus to be knocked out in addition to not being in pain.

And on a completely different topic, sort of...

Someone said to me recently, I can't remember who, "When life gives you lemons, throw them at people."  or something similar.  I like it.  Very violent.  How about squeezing the juice into someones eye!!!  That thought just makes me giddy!  As you can see...not better yet...

I'm spent. Turning in early since I can't really do much else. I read a little of an interesting novel one of you turned me on to but it's very busy, character wise, and I'm having trouble keeping them straight. If I turn in now, and can sleep, I'll have nine and half hours of trap time by 6 am. If I'm in the midst of my little depressive bursts, it won't matter how much I sleep, it'll never be enough. Fortunately there just happening two or three days a week right now. I wonder if that's some facet bipoloar. In past lives when I got depressed it took days or weeks to set in and weeks, months, or even years to run it's course. Do people go from clinically depressed to bipolar? Do I even remember the past correctly? Shit.

UPDATE: All done with dogs, at least for now. All I have to do now is cleanup  the bathroom, unload the dishwasher, and cook something for supper. Doesn't seem as daunting as earlier in the day, which is another pattern I'm noticing.

Luckily I don't have anything to do that can't wait. I really need to bathe the dogs but one more stinky day couldn't hurt. Actually it might since they're all battling skin problems. They may have to tough it out though. None of them are especially thrilled with the prospects of cleanliness anyway. Still, I'll feel better when it's over and they will too. Maybe after lunch. Way after.

UPDATE: I wrote the following in the mood tracking journal I've started for bipolar group; "Am I actually tired or am I getting depressed or is there even a difference?" It seems to fit with this post. It doesn't seem possible that I could be facing a depressive episode, considering how nice the last three days have been. For the most part, though, my depression operates independently of everything my life may throw at it. It has a life of its own.

Surprisingly, after my 2nd day of work for my uncle, SFIC called me for a job interview for their current position. Perhaps I was last minute because of their desperation. And being a last minute decision means you are not that good and sort after, after all. A bit low in morale after the job, I couldn't help but think that I'm that slough and would just stick to my current job.

And after taking a break by watching the Dark Knight today, I still couldn't help but think of why such a talent would pass away with the least of all expectations. Take a look at this article. This made me think if there's any link in his career that leads to his death. And although it's just a rumour, I would like to remind readers that this is just a thought from my mind and it's not with any disrespect to the late star.

Do you remember Jake Gyllenhaal? Heath Ledger used to act together alongside him in the all so gayish but award winning movie Brokeback Mountain. Then after this movie, he filmed alongside Maggie Gyllenhaal, sister to Jake, in the Dark Knight. Then he died.

Just a thought, did acting alongside both siblings of the Gyllenhaal family brought down bad luck? After trying to mix and mash the surname of Jake and Maggie, I realise that there's 3 words that send chills down my spine. The words are "Gay, Lan and Hell". It kinda make sense because if you say it fast it enough, it sounds like their surname, except the gay part. But word by word, it kinda phrases something like "Gay then hell", which also shows that Heath Ledger acted in Brokeback Mountain that features a gay then next sending him to hell in the Dark Knight, after a role as the Joker taking a toll on his already depressing state of mind.

So is it a curse from the siblings that eventually led to his death? I don't know, it's just a random and eerie thought. Giving me goosebumps already. Hmmm.

Gotta go now, working tomorrow and I gotta be somewhere else early. Till then, Why so Serious? =)

In June, our showroom here at Solaris Design Center was transformed into a true tropical Oasis like you would typically see in Curacao houses. We had our styling intern from the Netherlands, Britt van den Berg, create this breezy tropical decor as part of her training. Britt managed to create the sun-sand-see ambience successfully even including the free-flowing forms of the beachstones that are so typical of our islands (okay, bringing the stones to the showroom was a real adventure and yes, of course we brought them all back to the beach; we're very environment-minded here at Solaris). The look instantly brings back memories of leiseurelu lounging while vacationing at beach getaways. Britt has serious styling talent and this was further fostered during her 3-month internship with us.