This was going to be a simple on-going journal about changing to a vegan diet but I am sensing that perhaps it is to be much more than that, more a record of my journey to finding me ~ the real me. One hears about people re-inventing themselves, maybe following a traumatic event or during some sort of "mid-life crisis". I'm 47 now so I wonder if this is my very own mid-life crisis!

Certainly, I know that I am not simply one thing or another; I am very much a mixture of many different influences, as are most of us I suppose. I am also like a butterfly, fluttering from here to there, sometimes very rapidly indeed ~ I can decide that I am one thing in the morning and have changed my mind by evening.

To be honest, I am getting rather tired of living my life in this way. I have come to realise, though, that no matter where I wander off to I always come back to certain ideas and ways of being/living. I suppose I have some stereotypical ideas wrapped around these ideas and I think that I have worked out that this where the "problem" lies ~ where/how do I ditch the stereotyping and merge all this together to become a cohesive whole ME?  I guess the simple answer is just to be the me that feels right, no matter how many compartments I may discover I am comprised of. 

Oh, Ketakutanku. Apakah aku akan merasakan rasa? Memikirkan pikir? Menangisis tangis? Ataukah aku hanyakan berjalan dan terus berjalan dengan sudut putih disekelilingku.

Ketika selamanya akhirnya berakhir, aku tak lagi memiliki dirku. Aku tak lagi memiliki apa yang tak pernah kumiliki. Maka, Kehilangan, bukanlah aku. Seharusnya. Kehilangan hanyalah untuk yang pernah kumiliki: rasanya rasa, pikirnya pikir, desahnya desah.

Selamanya, sudah berakhir.

The Princess was watching the film We Were Soldiers the other day and I was trying to remember who had made the song back in the 80's about Vietnam. After a bit of a searching, I found the above on YouTube. Harrowing footage, I know, but that is the reality of war.....

I've rewarded myself with a new novel (bought not borrowed!) - Michael Ondaatje's Divisadero. I think I like books better than diamonds... yes, definitely more than diamonds. More than most things, I think. Just started it this morning and I am already cozied into the story. Some stories have this way of drawing you in right away. His writing has a laziness about it but the imagery and dream-like quality... well, for me, it's like watching The English Patient. I just want to sit down with some little nibbly snacks and watch the story unfold all the way to the end.

Have I mentioned how much I love being with my girls? They are really coming into their own these days. There's that point when kids don't have to try so hard because they've pretty much learned the basics of life - to walk, to go to bed, to eat without running off, to write, to respect others (ok most of the time on this last one)... and so they start to develop their own unique personalities, refine themselves, to write funny or sweet stories, to love horror movies or hide under the covers, and to dream of their future. It's pretty neat.

Hm, that's funny. I used the word "dream" in every paragraph.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

• Smart man + smart woman = romance
• Smart man + dumb woman = affair
• Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
• Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

• Smart boss + smart employee = profit
• Smart boss + dumb employee = production
• Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
• Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

and

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

• To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
• To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

• Married men live longer than single men do,
• but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are a lot of different moments that your life consists of, but there are some that come to mean much more than just a tiny fragment of time, though it might have lasted somewhat 10 seconds, it lingers ever on in your memory, and it feels like the whole sense of your life was put into that meaningful moment, that all you'd been doing before was for living those 10 seconds, and you feel like it was worth it.

After cups of cocochino everyday, along last hectic-fullo-meeting week, now I've become what I've always dream about. A coffee addict. Tanpa 2 sachet kopi di seduh dengan air mendidih dalam cangkir starbucks bangkok saya, membuat saya merasa seperti manusia cacat yang lumpuh otak. Lemas bukan main, mengantuk berlebihan dan terus menerus membayangkan untuk melakukan threesome dengan bantal dan guling saya.

Coba lihat manfaat secangkir kopi.

• Kafein yang terkandung dalam kopi yang tergolong sebagai alkeloid yang juga dikenal sebagai trimetilsantin ini ternyata dapat merangsang kerja saraf dan otak. Selain pada kopi, kafein juga terkandung di dalam teh, cola juga minuman coklat.
• Kafein membantu kita untuk berpikir lebih cepat. Coba saja minum kopi 15 menit sebelum memulai pekerjaan yang membludak, wawancara kerja ataupun presentasi kepada klien. Hasilnya akan cukup memuaskan. Ini karena kafein merangsang otak agar merespon lebih cepat.
• Kamu penderita migrain? Coba minum secangkir kopi hitam pahit. Pasti migrain kamu akan mereda. Menurut Seimur Diamond, M.D., dari Chicago’s Diamond Headache Clinic, kopi hitam pekat atau black tea mengandung jumlah kafein yang cukup untuk membantu menyembuhkan migrain tingkat ringan, ataupun meredakan sakit kepala.
• Kafein bisa melebarkan saluran bronkial yang menghubungkan krongkongan dan paru2 membuat kafein merupakan zat yang cukup ampuh untuk melegakan gejala sesak napas yang biasa dialami oleh para penderita asma.
• Merasa cepat lelah, lemas dan lunglai? Coba konsumsi segelas kopi. Ini karena kafein di dalamnya diperkirakan menghasilkan "bahan bakar" untuk otot yang dapat membuat kita selalu fit dan tidak mudah lelah.
• Jelas, kafein membuat kita merasa lebih riang, ceria dan segar. Jadi nggak ada salahnya menghirup kopi panas di senin pagi yang selalu membuat lemas.
• Kopi merangsang banyak bagian dari otak yang dapat menambah peningkatan memory dan mental yang membuat kita dapat tetap terjaga, meningkatkan mood, serta membuat kita terus berkonsentrasi. Penelitian di Universitas Arizona membuktikan bahwa dalam setiap test memory, orang yang mengkonsumsi kopi dengan kafein biasanya mendapat peringkat lebih tinggi dalam test tersebut dibanding dengan orang2 yang mengkonsumsi decaf.
• Parkinson jarang ditemukan pada orang2 yang rutin meminum kopi.
• Kafein dapat membuat sperma berenang lebih lincah yang membuat seorang lelaki jadi lebih subur.

So, I think coffee is not always bad. :)

I searched around for some sort of stereo or receiver that had a built in internet radio (wanting free and not something like XM or Sirius).  While trolling around Amazon, I happened upon the Roku SoundBridge M1001.  The SoundBridge looked like it had all the features I needed and got pretty good reviews.  It also was only $150, so I "added to cart" and bought the thing.

The SoudBridge is awesome!  It is a fairly small metal tube that has in the back a plug for the power cord and an a plug of the stereo output.  You connect via wireless (802.11b - the B version as opposed to the now standard G) to your network fairly easily using the graphical LCD menu on the SoundBridge, meaning that you stick the SoundBridge right next to your stereo system in the other room.  From there you now have access to the hundreds of pre-programmed internet stations on the SoundBridge and you can play them all through your stereo system.  You can choose anything from Cantonese to Alternative 90's Rock stations.  Store you favorites or enter a URL for any station on the internet...all with your computer off.  If you do want to turn on your computer, you can access you iTunes' music library.  The best part is that you control the songs or playlists from the SoundBridge using the remote and graphic lcd menu system.

There is always a downside to every product and this one might be a killer for some people.  The SoundBridge is unable to play any songs downloaded from Apple's iTunes due to the DRM encryption (what makes Apple's songs only playable on iTunes and on a limited number of computers).  The only downloaded iTunes songs that can play on the SoundBridge are those that are DRM free (and those are few and far between on iTunes).

If you're ok with the iTunes limitation, I highly recommend the Roku SoundBridge.  It is easy to setup, has a wonderful list of preset stations (and you can add your own all without your computer on), and you can play you iTunes' music library (with the computer on, but controlled from the SoundBridge).  I'm even listening to the SoudnBridge right now!

She explained that there are way too many Mayas in Canada (it's an odd name in Mexico) so she will now, hereby, from henceforth, solemnly swear to only answer to her middle name "Lucy" (this is actually the English version of her real middle name "Lucia"). Apparently, the soccer coach called her to play yesterday but another Maya ran onto the field instead. Oh the horror. Of course, I forgot all morning, and, wow, sure enough, she was quick to remind me every single time I said "Maya" that her name is now "Lucy". She always was my Lucy in the Sky anyways....

Sometimes I worry... she's seven and wants pink hair, skull-patterned clothing, sleep-overs at friends' homes, and, now, name changes. Hopefully, she won't run off to Mexico when she's older. Or maybe hopefully she will?? Pretty wild the push and pull of parenting. I'm always in between wanting them to live life fully and pulling them close to me, safe from the crazy world.

With money you can buy a house,
but not a home.

With money you can buy a clock,
but not time.

With money you can buy a bed,
but not sleep.

With money you can buy a book,
but not knowledge.

With money you can see a doctor,
but not good health.

With money you can buy a position,
but not respect.

With money you can buy blood,
but not life.

With money you can buy sex,
but not love.

Flex is a self contained sandbox for running rich internet applications in a web browser.  It runs within the Adobe Flash Player, thus the browser requires Flash to be installed (Adobe claims that their Flash player has 95% infiltration, but I'm not going to bet the farm on that stat).  It has an Adobe introduced markup language (MXML) along with ActionScript that compiles into SWF files (for use in the Flash player).  Essentially, you output your data as XML from your back-end servers/services (data model) and the Flex application written in MXML and ActionScript will handle the presentation with all the provided pretty colors and desktop like feel.  Adobe says that you can write all of this in notepad, but I found that you're very limited if not using the Adobe Flex IDE.  The Flex IDE is based on Eclipse and has several pre-built widgets.

I've seen a couple of sites and several proof of concepts built in Flex.  It looks great!  In many ways it truly is like having a desktop application in your browser, much more than what I've seen Ajax being able to do.  I have noticed that most sites have the same look and feel (buttons, graphics), but I am guessing that is because people are still getting use to Flex and relying too heavily on the pre-built GUIs.  One common theme I've also noticed is the speed, or the lack thereof.  The problem is that you are loading an entire application into the browser and throughout the client's experience the application is communicating with the back-end to retrieve more/new data.  This maybe a fundamental problem with Flex or it might just be people need better methodologies to gather and display the data.  However, overall Flex certainly looks like it holds a lot of potential.  One way I always check to see if a technology is up and coming is checking on Amazon the number of recently published or soon to be published books on the subject...Flex has several!

Many colleagues of mine compare and at times equate Flex with Ajax.  I disagree with this.  While both are technique for a richer experience, Flex is an propriety  application running within the Flash browser, while Ajax is more or less Javascript, XHTML, and DHTML.  I find that Flex and its architecture is much more similar to Java Applets.  An obvious reason is the sandbox architecture.  However, I also found that the mentality and value-add are quite similar.  Both have a goal of allowing you to create a desktop like application that can be run within the web browser.  The goal being to use a standard toolkit (AWT/Swing and Flex API) to quickly create these apps.  Now, we all know the current state of Java Applets and its failure at meeting the penetration and usability goals.  Remember when Java first came out and Applets were all the rage?  And now when was the last time you saw a new public Java Applet of significant importance?  

The question is will Flex suffer the same fate?  I remember years ago when I was working in a wireless trading group we began using the Microsoft Mobile Internet Toolkit.  Basically, the proposition was that you could write your application once and Microsoft would handle translating/formatting the XHTML for each specific mobile phone (with all it's idiosyncrasies).  At first it was great, but slowly the Microsoft updates to support more phones took longer and longer to come out until they eventually stopped supporting the toolkit all together.  So we were left with a site written in a language/technology no longer supported.  Let's hope Adobe's Flex doesn't go that same way.  And not matter the number of promises they make, if their don't sell enough licenses, well, updates will take longer and longer and....

Today I was watching the Canadian government's official apology to the Aboriginal people, and I started to imagine all these kids so lost and mistreated like my mom and her brothers. I saw them get teary eyed as the leaders read out their apologies. Thinking about the past. I understand their pain and their agony and their need for an apology. I understand that it hurts even for the generation that didn't directly experience the horrors of residential schools. Saying I'm sorry means "No, you are not a piece of trash even though you were treated like one sometimes. You are worthy, I see it". It takes generations to heal. I hope their time, her time, my time has come. I know it never comes so easily. We can only forgive, hang on to hope, and move forward. And breathe, always remember to breathe.